Talking to our kids about grandpa's stroke

This week my father-in-law had a major stroke. It's been a very emotionally draining time for our family. Everything seems to come to a stand-still while we wait, and yet life has to go on.

My husband left soon after getting news to be with his family. I wanted to go, too, but someone needed to stay home with our kids. My husband decided they should not see grandpa in his current state. They saw him once at the hospital a few years back. It was a freaky experience for them. This would be much more intense.

Of course this would leave me with the task of telling our kids just what happened. Death is possible; disability definite.

My husband cautioned me not to say too much. I felt it was important to prepare them for the just in case. They are 11 and 15.

I didn't make time to see what was on the web to talk to kids about strokes — there isn't much anyway. And I didn't look up anything about talking about death, as I didn't want to go there yet. Instead, I called them in for a family meeting shortly after dropping my husband off at the airport.

They saw their dad take off in a rush because grandpa was in the hospital. They needed to know what was going on, so I gave the basics and let them ask questions. They amazed me.

We talked about strokes (found a decent kid friendly description on KidsHealth later). I assured them that the doctors were working hard to make sure grandpa gets good medical care. No, he would never be the same, but he could improve. He could also get worse. We're spiritual, so we talked about God. I let them process and told them they could ask me questions as they came up.

The next two days, they'd have more questions about loss of speech, paralysis, memory loss, brain damage, recovering from a stroke, chances for it happening again, stroke prevention, dad's return home, visiting grandpa, etc.

Some questions were easier than others. I just told them what I know with a caring tone, and stayed focused on facts. If I didn't know, I said so. I also reminded them that we can't control what happens, but we can pray and know that our family and the doctors treating grandpa are trying to do right by him.

I also let their teachers know what was going on at home so they could tell me if their behavior changed. So far, so good.

Both kids have said they are sad, but they both said they'd be angry if they weren't kept in the loop. "We need to know what's going on," says my daughter.

My father-in-law is still at the hospital. We're still waiting to learn more. In the meantime, I'm on the web seeking info.

I found a few resources for younger kids. The Internet Stroke Center posted a children's book online called "When Grandpa Comes Home." It's a story about a girl who has to learn how to cope with the change in her grandfather after he has a stroke and moves in with her family.

Modern Medicine's site offers 10 tips for talking to kids about life-threatening illness.

If things turn for the worse, Hospice has some info about talking about death with kids and teens. KidsHealth also info about talking about death in age-appropriate ways.

We're hoping for the best.